Dorty Wee Shite - Chapter 6

6 – Changing The Rules

Will decided that he should let Danny know he was going to enlist the help of some old friends, for moral support and as much as anything to help him keep a grip on his sanity. Danny seemed more than happy with that idea, which surprised Will a little, as he still thought that Danny was doing it to make him feel as uncomfortable as possible.
“I think that’s the first really good idea you have had Will. See if you can get them all together tomorrow night and we’ll grab a bite to eat."
As usual, Danny’s manner was more like a business associate than some weird, twisted black mailer, and Will was sure that his old mates would get on well with him. In fact he had something of a fear that Jay would get on too well with him, and adopt him as some sort of filthy role model.
The plan was to go to a curry house in Clapham, then get the tube to the West End and a club. Will was concerned about Danny’s enthusiastic voice. It sounded as though he already had a plan in mind, and that thought wasn’t overly comforting.

Luckily, all three of his mates were available, and looking forward to a night out. They had been fore warned that Danny would be joining them, and would probably be giving them, or at least Will some impossible challenge.
The four lads met up in the restaurant and were shown to a table which Danny had pre booked, although he hadn’t yet shown up. When he arrived, his unassuming demeanour was not quite what Wills friends had expected at all. Even after Will had tried to paint an imaginary picture of him. The torment he was putting Will through made him out as some sort of evil beast, which could not have been further from the truth when they met him. He could easily have been the father to any one of them. Which actually made the whole situation seem even more bizarre.
If they thought that by coming along they could just be impartial bystanders to gleefully observe Wills misfortune, their illusions were soon to be shattered.
“Hello lads, I’m so glad you could all make it. I think tonight could be quite a laugh. It’ll make Wills training much easier and more enjoyable.” He held out his hand to greet each of the young men in turn. “I’m Danny, I’m sure Will has told you about me.”
“Simon”, stated Simon, as he shook Danny by the hand.
“Ahh yes, Simon, Will’s talked a lot about you. You still keep in contact don’t you.”
Neil was next, and offered his hand without saying anything. Will spoke up. “This is Neil, it was his dad I met at the Roxbury.”
“Ha ha, yes the Roxbury.” Danny said through a smile. “Are we hoping for something a little more, shall we say, entertaining this time?” Then turning to Neil he added “So are you the inspiration for being a dorty wee shite, I wonder” Perhaps the appearance of Neils well scrubbed but still slightly garage grime stained hands had indicated dirtiness.
“No, not really, that would be Jay.” Said Neil as he nodded toward the last of the group who had not yet been introduced.
“Oh thanks.” Countered Jay in mock hurt tones, as this was his opening to avail a new audience of his tales of a mis spent youth, or blatent lies as his friends already knew. He held out his hand for Danny. “Jay Cartwright, Proprietor of the veritable minge magnet that is Guilty Pleasures in Morden.”
With a smile, Danny shakes Jays hand. “Ahh yes Guilty Pleasures. I can see why your friends would class you as the Dorty Wee Shite, well lets see how you all get along with tonights challenge shall we?”
Will was a little shocked that the subject had been brought up so early, after all, the introductions were hardly out of the way. “Shouldn’t we order something to eat first, surely that is the most civilised way of conducting an evening? Whatever happened to social foreplay?”
“There is a very good reason Will, that I wanted to tell you about the challenge first” replied Danny. “It is because it may influence what you want to eat”
Those words gave everybody around the table cause to be concerned, and it showed on their faces, so Danny wanted to reassure them. “Don’t look so worried, this one will be fun, I’m sure you’ll enjoy it.” Although what kind of reassurance that was supposed to be was anybodys guess. It certainly did little to reassure any of the boys. The Indian waiter came up for a second time to see if they were ready to order and was given a drinks order, as much as anything to get him out of earshot for a couple of minutes.
“Right” said Danny with the air of confidence you would expect from an officer in the army. “Tonights challenge is an easy one. All you have to do is get on the dance floor in the club, and clear some space around you in any way you like.”
“That’s it is it?” asked Simon, “we just have to clear a space on the floor, that’s easy, we just ask Jay to wear his work clothes, I can’t see anybody coming close to us then.”
“Very funny Sy” came Jays response. “But I’m not going back to work to get changed am I?”
Then Danny added “Anyway, that would only work for Jay, you need to clear your own spaces, and be seen staying in it. You can’t just wander off.”

They ordered their food, the boys stuck to regular favourites and each had a pint. Danny on the other hand ordered a concoction of curried spinach and vegetables, onion bhaji, and something that looked and smelled suspiciously like very old curried egg.
During the meal, the nights challenge was pretty much forgotten about, and the conversation revolved around some of their past expoits. Amidst much laughter Will recalled the time when he had to share a bed with Neil, and had to endure Neil pissing himself, and another time when Simon had thrown up on the young brother of a girl he was trying to impress. The more they talked, the more they considered that perhaps they could conquer this challenge after all. Will was feeling a lot more confident now, until Danny burst the bubble with his next statement.
“You can’t class yourself as the Dorty Wee Shite, if all your anecdotes are based on the actions of your mates. That makes them the dorty wee shite. Not you!. Also, you can’t consider it the actions of a dorty wee shite if it’s an accident, that’s just unfortunate. When Neil pissed in the bed, he wasn’t doing it on purpose. Now, had he done it whilst standing at the end of the bed, in full control of his faculties. That would have been a different matter. ”
“I suppose so”, agreed Simon, “ The same applies to throwing up on Carlies brother really. That was the drink. Mind you can you imagine the trouble I would have been in if I’d done it on purpose?”
“It would have been funnier though.” Added Jay.
“Funnier?” replied Simon in disbelief. “It wasn’t funny at all, it was one of the most traumatising, devastating events in my life. How is that funny? It’s probably that which lost Carli for me.”
The others suggested that there were probably a lot of other reasons why Carli had not wanted to be with Simon, and that it was actually a pretty lucky escape anyway, as he had done far better by getting together with Jane.
Will eventually swung it with “And, it was a bit funny really wasn’t it” Which in retrospect Simon had to agree with.
During the meal, attention turned back to Danny, as Simon asked a crucial question, which Will realised he should have thought about long ago. “Mr Graves,” He said “It’s all a bit one sided isn’t it?, I mean you asking Will, and now us, why we deserve this title. But what about you? What evidence have you given Will that you deserve it?”
They all thought that Danny would be flustered by that, but once again was quite open, and questioned why that hadn’t already been asked. He went on to explain that Will had already seen a little evidence of his claim from their first outing, and that he was always prepared to do whatever challenge he set for anybody else. “I can tell you tales” he said “But that might be just giving away more than just my title. I mean I’m upset with that being taken, can you imagine how I’ll feel if all my original content is stolen too? My stories, with my title under somebody elses name. I can’t see anybody being happy with that. Can you?”
So, with both the conversation and the meal ended, it was time to head for the night club, and a challenge which all thought was for Will only initially, but which they were now all enrolled in.
The club they had chosen for the night was a regular over 25’s night, so none of them were quite so out of place, and even Danny didn’t appear to be in the upper age group of the clientele. The music seemed to be mostly 80’ and 90’s and none of them had any idea how they could clear a bit of floorspace, although unwittingly Neil seemed to have achieved it effortlessly almost as soon as they arrived. He heard a tune he always liked and headed straight for the floor where he treated the other dancers to a taste of his unique dancing style. Whether the others on the floor wanted to take a step backwards to admire his moves, or merely distance themselves from him was irrelevant, the effect was the same, a definite space in an otherwise crowded floor.
“See” said a pleased Danny, “that task is easy, and fun, judging by Neil’s face”
“I’m going to need another drink or two before dancing anything like that.” said Will, so he and Jay headed off to the bar, leaving Danny and Simon to stand and chat by one of the pillar mounted tables.
Shortly Jay and Will returned with their hands full of pint glasses, Neil also returned to get his drink, sweaty and smiling, totally unaware that he had completed his part of the challenge already. “So can we all just copy Neil to clear our bit of floor?” said Will, taking a sip of his beer., then plucking something from between his teeth.
“Of course you can” said Danny “If you think your dancing style is as flamboyant and floor clearing as Neil, then go for it.”
Will realised that his confidence on the dance floor, or lack of it, meant that even with his best efforts he wouldn’t be able to put on such a moving display. The five of them stood for a while at the post supping their beers, with Will sporadically removing an errant hair from his mouth, it was about the fifth time that he had done it before he made comment. “Cor, this is a hairy old pint” To which Jay replied “Is it?”, whilst suppressing a smile. “Oh, that’s given me an idea, come on Will, bring your drink. I know how we can clear a space, bring your drink.” With that they wandered to the edge of the floor, Jay started moving about to the music, and gleefully slopping is pint about, and gradually people started to edge away a little to a drier patch of floor. Meanwhile Will took another gulp of his own beer, and was once again the victim of a floating hair. He looked up, to see Jay, smirking, with his hand down the front of his trousers. And still slopping his beer on the floor.
“What are you doing Jay? Christ, you can’t do that in here we’ll get chucked out.”
Jay winced a little as he withdrew his hand, and was holding a small pinch of his pubic hair.
Suddenly It dawned on Will why his pint had been so hairy, The combination of that thought mixed with a hot curry, a couple of pints of beer, and the feeling of one of Jays pubes stuck in the back of his throat, sent him over the edge. He retched once, before letting fly with a most impressive display of projectile vomiting which of course cleared a significant area of dance floor very quickly. Almost as soon as he had been sick, two of the clubs security came over and asked Will and Jay to leave. They managed to collect the others on their way out, and it was declared that Will had been the undisputed winner.
While walking back to the tube Danny confessed that his own plan for clearing space hadn’t started working yet, but it would do soon. It was on the tube that they realised why his meal had been so unusual, as the flatulence created by curried eggs and spinach was unbelievably bad.