Dorty Wee Shite - Chapter 5

5 – The Shop Of Ill Repute

As they arrived at Morden, the car started to sound worse, and eventually shuddered to a halt, Leaving the boys to push it into a side street. As they were pushing Neil broke the silence. “Oh no, I’ll have to get Greg to come out and tow us back to the garage, perhaps it wasn’t just the temperature gage.”

“Apparently not Neil” replied Will in his sarcastic tone. “Don’t worry I’ll have a look. Oh no wait a minute I won’t know, because I’m not a mechanic. What about you Simon? Any ideas?”
“It could be the heater matrix gudgeon pin” he replied.
“I’ve never heard of that Sy” said Neil, “Do you know where it is?”
“No Neil, I don’t because I’m not a mechanic either, I just made it up. What about you?, you’re the mechanic.”
“Oh right, yeah. But I don’t think it’s anything to do with a gudgeon pin. It’s more likely to be a stuck thermostat or a split hose, anyway, Jays shop is only a little bit further, we can walk from here.”

Walking along one of the side streets of Morden, they come across a blacked out shop called Guilty Pleasures. Will jokes that back in the old days this is the sort of place he would expect to find Jay frequenting.
“Oh yes”, says Neil, “This is the one” and with that, he pushes open the door and walks in. Slightly stunned, Simon & Will follow. If they were stunned by the outside of the shop, they were even more stunned when they saw Jay. Sat behind the counter, wearing a very revealling and rather camp looking top. Jay looks up from the magazine he’s reading. Somewhat flustered, as he realises that the three new customers are not his regulars, but are three old faces from his past “Oh, hello” he says, “I haven’t seen you pair of sad cases for a long time. What are you now? Doctors or lawyers”

“I’m in management.” Says Simon
“and I’m but a humble writer” boasts Will.
“Oh right.” Says a knowing Jay. “So you’re not really working and still a bit of a briefcase wanker eh?”
“I might not be in a full time job at the moment Jay, but at least I’m not being pimped out and working for some old pervert in a seedy sex shop!” retorts a rather rattled Will.

“I don’t work for anybody. This is my shop...”
“Really, Jay? Is it really your shop?. I suppose your old bigot of a dad just keeled over and left you enough money to buy a chain of high class sex shops around the country did he Jay?” Will was really going off on one now, and failed to notice that neither Simon, nor Neil were saying a word, and Jay sat in stunned silence, eyes becoming glassy as this tirade continued. “ I suppose you travel around the porn studios of Hollywood, breaking in all the new actresses so they can pursue a career in the movie business. You know I guessed that you might work in a place like this, but I didn’t expect you to still be such a bull shitter Jay.”

When Will finishes, expecting a backlash, he’s surprised to be met with complete silence. A pause which threatens to become uncomfortably long, before Neil pipes up. “ How did you know Will? Jays dad did die. I came to the funeral. I don’t think there was enough to buy a whole chain of shops though. Just this one.” Again Will had unknowingly said all the worst things he could possibly have done, and looked up shame faced to see Jay, still sat behind the counter, with his face in his hands, obviously distraught. “He might not have been perfect Will, but he was still my dad, and I still loved him OK.”

A shocked and mortified Will tries to pacify Jay “ I’m so sorry Jay, I really had no idea. I mean, you would have thought that at some point during our drive here, our imbecile of a friend Neil could have mentioned some of that.” Turning to Neil he continues “Why Neil? – Why couldn’t you mention that Jays dad had passed away, or that he owned his own business. Dear God has nothing changed with you lot?”
“I didn’t want the shock to upset you.” Replied Neil, with the full belief that withholding this information was in some way protecting Will.
“Oh thank you Neil. That was so very thoughtful of you, after all none of us is shocked or upset now are we, so that’s all gone pretty well.” Will’s sarcasm was scathing, but he mellowed instantly to comfort Jay.
“I really am very sorry Jay, even I wouldn’t have said that if I’d already known. Can we start again please?” and Will hold his hands open to give Jay the opportunity to come round and make amends. Jay looked up, wiped his eyes and stood, to come round to the other side of the counter. If Will and Simon had been shocked by the sight of Jay behind the counter, it was nothing compared the shock they had when he came to give Will a reconciling hug. He was not wearing regular trousers or what would be acceptable shop attire. Instead he was wearing a PVC thong, and a very large strap on, penis that wobbled disturbingly as he approached. Will tried to recoil before Jay could take him in a brotherly embrace, but too late. “What on earth are you wearing Jay” asked a very shocked Will. “You can’t serve customers dressed like that” He was torn between very mixed feelings. Guilt at having upset his old mate having only just met him after so long, excitement and in some weird way , pleasure that they could enjoy a few laughs again. But the overwhelming feeling was that of this big thing pushing against him strapped to another man.
Simon breaks in “You probably can in here though Will”
“What?” asked an incredulous Will “On what planet do you think it’s normal practice for shop assistants to go prancing around the shop dressed in , in well I can’t even put into words what you are dressed in Jay”
, “ I mean, it’s not Tesco’s is it?” counters Simon. “I think it would be a bit disturbing to see some of the staff in there wearing a strap-on, but it’s probably like advertising in here.”
At this Neil starts trying to suppress a snigger, “Sorry, I was just imagining some of the old ladies in the charity shop in it” “Oh that’s far enough Neil, Simons vision of young supermarket staff was bad enough, but that just turned my stomach, you are still a very sick young man, do you know that”
Smiling, Neil nods his agreement, and as if he hadn’t already pushed things too far, broached a subject that all had thought about, but none had dared to comment on. “Or your mum Will. I’d like to see her dressed like that.”
Will is absolutely horrified at that concept, but try as hard as he could, he couldn’t stop the vision creeping into his mind. “I did not need that little nugget of imagery Neil. A random old lady in a charity shop is one thing, but thinking of my mum dressed like that doesn’t bear thinking about.”
“I bet she’s still fit though isn’t she” adds Neil, who is now so side tracked that he can’t get off the subject “Well, actually Neil, like the rest of us. Well, most of us. She has aged about ten years, and although I never saw her as being ‘fit’ as you so tastefully put it, I think it is a fair assumption to suggest that she is somewhat less fit now, than when we were at school.”
“What about your dad Neil?” burst in Simon. “It’s not an attractive thought I know, but I can imagine him dressed like Jay.” “I’m going to get changed” said Jay. “Watch the shop for a bit will you. You get some odd sorts in here.”
Will called back “I can’t imagine why Jay. After all, it’s not the sort of place you’d expect to bump into sex pests and perverts is it?”

There was no doubt that meeting up with Neil and Jay again was going to be, as Jay had put it, a bit of a laugh, it was also likely to be awkward at times, after all neither of them had enjoyed the educational benefits that He and Simon had. Although he had to admit, both of them seemed to be far better prepared for the dorty wee shite project, than he was. It would be far less daunting sharing this experience with them than trying to do it all himself.