Dorty Wee Shite - Chapter 7

Chapter 7 – Trial And Error With The Piss Tube.

Whilst they were together on the tube train, between gasping for breathes of fresh air, which were unfortunately proving to be few and far between, given the amount and pungency of Dannys curry powered wind, they talked about the nights events. Events which had culminated in them being asked to leave before they had all completed the challenge. Will confessed that once again, this had not actually been his intention. He hadn’t even come up with a suitable floor clearing plan before he was sick. He went on to accuse Jay of spiking his drink with pubes, which the others, especially Danny found hilarious. Instead of condemning him for his actions, Danny congratulated Jay on them. To Wills disgust he went on to say that he was probably a far better candidate for earning the coveted name of Dorty Wee Shite.
“But you can’t do that sort of thing to your mates” interrupted Will.
“Why not?” countered Danny. “It’s still funny, regardless of who it’s on”
They couldn’t argue with that, after all it was only Will who hadn’t seen how funny it was.
What made this turn of events even worse for Will was that it had, exactly as he feared, inspired the very worst out of Jay. Jay took to this part like a duck to water, he was in his element. Will didn’t know if deep down his displeasure was down to a deep rooted disgust in the tasks they were being asked to perform. Or was it a form of envy for Jay*1 , surely that couldn’t be it.

Before they parted company to make their way back home, Danny brought back the subject of pissing on the floor, but instead of telling them how he had done it, as was the original plan when it was just Will. He said.
“You’re a clever bunch of lads. I’m sure that between you, you can work out the best way of doing it. So that’s the challenge for this fortnight OK?” And with that bombshell, they went their separate ways. “Oh, and this time it won’t be a club.”

Whilst discussing the possibilities over a couple of drinks at Neils dads house, it became clear how Danny had performed his trick. It was so obvious when they thought of it, but it took Neil to actually put it into words.
“Well, it’s obvious how Danny did it, isn’t it? He must have had a tube down his leg.”
Neil really thought that he was the only one to come up with this solution.
“Yes Neil, I’m sure we had all come to that conclusion. But what sort of tube?” Questioned Will.

The four friends decided to meet up back at the garage, after work as it was probably the best equipped place to come up with ideas, and they were right. Rummaging around the pile of scrap awaiting collection were numerous rubber hoses from radiator hoses, to rubber brake tubes, and even a concertinaed air duct. None of which were even remotely suitable. “Why did you bring this in Neil?” asked Simon. “It’s wider than my leg, how do you think you could disguise it?” “Or this” added Will, holding up a thin radiator overflow pipe. “What am I supposed to do? Feed it up my japs eye or something? Even if I did manage to do that it still wouldn’t reach the top of my knee.”

“We could stick a couple of tubes together with duct tape” suggested Neil It was soon realised that none of the tubes would be any use for this application. They were all either too big or too small, totally inflexible, and certainly impossible to disguise in any way.

Then Jay came up with something that showed some potential. “What about if we stick a few of those washer bottle hoses together, then stick them through a hole in a condom. That might work.”

It was decided that so far, this was the only idea that showed any hope of working. They wanted to test it out, but none of them wanted to be the guinea pig. Reluctantly Jay agreed to do it. Once they had spliced three tubes together, and gaffer taped it to a condom they sent him off to the toilet to fit it. He came back out shortly afterwards with his trousers off and the thin tube hanging from the leg of his boxer shorts.
“It’s not very comfortable.” He said.
“Go on then, give it a try” said Simon
“I can’t just piss on demand. I don’t need to go.”
Even though they had already had large mugs of tea, Jays bladder was not ready to be part of this test. Then Neil said he would prefer if Jay stood outside the back door so the he didn’t pee on the workshop floor, they agreed that the cool air outside might also aid in inducing a wee. It worked, at least the bladder induction had worked, the heath robinson tube on the other hand faired less well. Once Jay started to pee, only a small dribble came out the bottom of the tube. Maybe there was a blockage, or they had crimped one of the joins. It became clear that the joints in the pipes were not watertight, as there was a certain amount of seepage from the top one. But most alarmingly, was the fact that the vast majority of the wee was swelling up in the condom, and once started, Jay couldn’t stop. It eventually burst through the back of the condom soaking his groin and legs.

“That’s it” he announced angrily. “I’m not having anything to do with this”
“Oh come on Jay” implored Neil. “We nearly had it, that almost worked. I know, what about an old bike inner tube. We’ve got a load of those out the back”
He went to pile of old tyres, and alongside them was a smaller pile of inner tubes from cars and bikes. Why they hadn’t thought of this before was beyond them. It was the perfect width, was certainly long enough, and was of course flexible enough to conceal under a pair of trousers.
“OK, but somebody else can wear it this time” Said Jay Simon agreed to give this one a try. “ Oh, give it here, I’ll try it. But I’m not wearing it out. It’s your book Will, so you’re going to be the one when we do it for real”

They decided that the best course of action would be to cut the valve out first, then measure and cut it to be the same as the wearers inside leg. So far, it appeared to be working quite well. Simon fitted the tube over his dick, then secured it with a bit more gaffer tape. The other end was left to dangle just outof the bottom of his trousers, Trying to wee without holding on to his dick, or giving any indications of what he was doing proved to be quite difficult. He did however manage it, and it was indeed quite successful. The only problem was that there was a bit of a kink in the tube at the bottom, which managed to direct the piss into his shoe.

Neil suggested it would be any easy fix and taped the bottom of the pipe to the outside of Simons shoe. “There we go. Give it another try.”
“I Can’t give it another try yet, I’ve just emptied my bladder.”

They all decided that the best course of action would be to walk to the pub just down the road for a quick pint,then maybe try it out on the way back home. Initially Simon wasn’t too pleased with that suggestion, but had to agree that as it was already on, reasonably comfortable, and had already proved itself to be leak proof, apart from the snag at the bottom, then it couldn’t really go wrong.

Walking proved to be less comfortable now though. Due to the pipe being secured at both ends now, it had lost some of it’s give. For a while, it seemed to Simon, each and every step was tugging a few of his pubic hairs out. Eventually that eased off though, so he assumed that all the hairs that he had trapped under the tape must now have been ripped out.

It was still fairly early evening when the arrived, It was dry and reasonably warm, so they found a table in the pub garden. Will went in to buy a round, the others made themselves comfortable, surrounded by families enjoying a quite pub meal. After a couple of pints, Simon felt that he could attempt to go. After all, he was stood on grass, he had his mates with him, and he knew this time the tube would work. All he had to do was try to keep engaged with the conversation, and make sure he kept eye contact with whoever was talking. Nobody would be any the wiser.

Jay noticed the somewhat distracted smile on Simon’s face. Simon noticed that somehow, the pipe just didn’t feel right, at least it didn’t feel the same as it had done in the garage, but most distrurbingly, a small boy of about six years old noticed something happening, and couldn’t stop himself from blurting it out for all to hear.

“Mummy!” He exclaimed. “Why is that man wetting himself”

This of course drew everybody’s attention to Simon, and his disgraceful plight. Simon, looked down to see that the tube had obviously become completely detached, and he had now soaked his trousers and couldn’t stop the flow.

“We’ve got to go now”. He exclaimed, as he headed for the gate, hoping the others would follow. They did so, but not before Jay called out. “It’s OK, it’s part of a medical experiment to make a man pregnant. I think his waters may have broken.”

Before heading home, Neil loaned Simon a set of overalls to wear so that he could get out of his soiled pants and trousers. Although disheartened, they knew that they were on the right track, and with only a couple of days left wouldn’t really have much more time to experiment before they were supposed to be meeting up with Danny again.