Dorty Wee Shite - Chapter 3

3 – Initial Contact



Danny Graves had little trouble in actually tracking Will down. He simply phoned one of the directory enquiries services and asked for Will McKenzie. Will received such modest fame for his first book, that he hadn’t bothered to register himself as ex-directory, and as the recent developments had come so quickly, without any forewarning to create such a media furore, he hadn’t had a chance to do anything about it now. It was however very, very high on his list of priorities. Will was also regretting now mentioning on the show how he liked living alone now in the flat he rented in Herne Hill. It had made tracking him down so much easier for all and sundry. Why he had been so specific was beyond him now.,

In a cheerful, yet business like tone, Danny enquired after Will.
“Hello, is that Mr Will McKenzie?”
It was a weary voice that answered. A voice which had evidently been answering the same questions on the phone for longer than desired.
“Yes, it is.”
“How are you?, Are you OK?”
“Yes, I’m fine. I am not having a nervous breakdown, or any other mental collapse if that is what you were about to ask.”
“OK, glad to hear it. Now I’m ringing about your upcoming book.”
“I thought you might be, every phonecall I have had today is about that. So I’m telling you what I have told everybody else. I said all I am going to say at the interview. I have nothing further to add.”
Before Will had a chance to drop the receiver for the umpteenth time on a stranger wanting to talk about this non existent book, Danny managed to make it quite clear that he was not just another press-man looking for an easy story.
“Oh, I think you do young man. I think you have a lot more to add. Most specifically about where that title originated.”
Will tried to suggest that he had just been thinking about a title, and that one simply popped into his mind, but it was soon pointed out that these were not just random words from the regular English dictionary. Each and every one of them was a colloquial term in itself, specifically mis-spelled to give a flavour of their origin. Danny pointed out that even if he had thought these words up, there was virtually no chance that they would be spelt in that particular way as a spur of the moment thought. So he asked once more.
“Where did you get that title?”
Will was put on the defensive once more, and he was getting too exhausted to keep it up.
“OK, I found it late one night while flitting around on the internet. It was a random comment made by somebody. No idea what it was about, the words just seemed to pop out at me.”

Danny was still not convinced that Will was being completely straight and continued.

“Right, so now we are getting closer to the truth aren’t we. So, let’s for a moment assume you are writing a book with the title Dorty Wee Shite. Who is your principle, title character based upon?”
With his shackles getting up, Will retorted,
“Well, I guess I’m basing my central character on myself and……”
But he was cut off, before he could finish what he was saying.
“Good, I’m glad you said that. I think we need to meet, and sooner rather than later. I’ll ring you later in the week, but I’ll give you my name and number now, so that if you need to contact me in the meantime you can.”

Completley thrown off balance, Will grabbed a pencil and sheet of paper, hastily writing down the details as Danny reeled them off to him.

Although he had no idea who he had just spoken to, and Will was half tempted to screw the number and name up to throw in the bin, he had second thoughts, and folded it neatly to slip into his wallet. The thought did cross his mind that for a while at least he should expect to be contacted by newspaper reporters looking for a new angle on the story and nutters just trying to mess with his head on a regular basis, Of course his intention to become ex-directory became top priority. But in the meantime, he had paid to go on this crazy roller coaster ride. He had no choice but to sit tight and let the ride run it’s course. A ride which reminded him, regrettably of a very real roller coaster ride that he had longed for so much when he was a teenager, yet once he had the opportunity, turned into the sort of nightmare that would haunt him for the rest of his days. He hoped beyond hope that this was not heading in the same direction.

Later that night, in the early hours of the morning in fact, Will’s head was filled with bad dreams. From very realistic memories of being bullied, and feeling the chaffing of a well executed wedgie, to far more bizarre and surreal images of being confined to a wheelchair whilst uncouth youngsters hurled tennis ball’s and Frisbees at him. He was tossing and turning, and sweating like a race horse when the final image appeared and woke him with such a start.

There is something quite unsettling about waking up to find a large Scotsman sitting on your chest, with his knees up , revealing quite horribly that your suspicions that Scotsmen really did wear nothing under their kilts was proven without a doubt. Unable to move, Will listend in horror, as this man said.
“Och, so you’re the dorty wee shite I’ve been lookin for all this time?”
Then Will did wake up, that last image, real as it had seemed was thankfully just the final part of a particularly disturbing dream. Unfortunately it was not one of those dreams that just disappeared beyond memory as soon as you awake. For some reason that horrible image had etched itself clearly into his brain, and would remain with him for a long time. There was little chance of getting back to sleep now, and fears of having to go through that dream again put him off from even trying. Will headed downstairs to get a glass of water, and maybe watch a DVD to take his mind off things. Maybe he was after all heading for a breakdown, he’d never had one, and didn’t know how he would know if this was it.

Watching a couple of his favourite Monty Python films had certainly gone some way to clearing out his mind, although visions of that gaping kilt kept popping into his head from time to time, when he let his mind drift. Still, the sun was starting to rise, the skies were clear and it looked as though today was going to be a lovely day. Perhaps all of this had been an extension to his bad dream. With any luck, none of it had really happened, and today, everything would be back to normal. Maybe, if he just carried on as normal, it would all just go away. Today he would go down to visit his dad and step-mum. The drive through the country would help to clear his mind further, and they would be able to bring him back to a sense of reality. He could have phoned first, but thought that it would be a nice surprise for them just to bowl up.




“What in Hell’s name has got into you Will?” were the first words that his father uttered. “We saw you on TV the other night, then tried to ring you, but the phone just rang and rang. I know you can be a bit odd Will, but that was beyond even your normal weirdness. You’re mother’s been worried sick you know, and I don’t need her ringing here day and night to get news about you. Have you spoken to her yet? The news says you’ve had a breakdown, but do you think to ring us? Hmm? Do you?. No, you don’t. You just swan in here as if nothing has happened.”

“Yes, hello to you too Dad”. Will replied. He tried to sound more positive, but just found himself feeling more and more fragile. “I’m sorry about the phone. I had to unplug it, I’ve been getting all manner of loonies and reporters ringing up. So, no, I haven’t spoken to mum yet. I’ll ring her later. I came to find out if this had all been a dream or not. Apparently it hasn’t. Can I come in?”

Old man McKenzies mood mellowed as he said.
“Of course you can come in Will, but try not to be so weird around Susie, You know she’s still not comfortable since that time you walked in on us. We are worried about you, you know”
This brought back another hideous recollection from Will’s memory in which he walked into his fathers kitchen to witness his step mother trussed up like a Christmas turkey on the kitchen table, whilst his father, wearing nothing more than a chefs hat approached her with a bowl of raw egg and a spatula. Will was only grateful he hadn’t opened the door a minute or two later, as the scene could well have been far more disturbing. As it was he had not been able to face a full English breakfast since that day.

“I know dad, I know. I’m a bit worried myself if I’m honest. I’m not a kid anymore, but I do appreciate your concern.”


Once they were all sat down with a cup of tea in the lounge, they could at last relax and try to get things straight. Will explained that he had been backed into a corner on Percy Kirkhams show, and that Percy was attempting to show him up as being a loser amongst so many of his peers who had obviously made it. His father could understand why he wanted to ensure he didn’t get branded as a has been, or even worse as a ‘ never really was.’ What he couldn’t understand though was where this title had come from.
“Why on earth are you calling the novel Dorty Wee Shite”? Where did that name come from?”
Again, Will was put in the position of having to defend his title.
“I had to say something, I haven’t really started seriously working on the book. I had been mulling with the idea of using that title, but it just kind of blurted out in the TV studio. Now I guess I’m stuck with it.”

Before the discussion could become heated again, or get over complicated, the phone rang. Susie answered it.
“Yes…. Hello….That’s right, this is Mrs McKenzie…… No, Will doesn’t live here….. Oh, yes, OK, well he is visiting. I’ll tell him you are on the phone”

Even here, in the supposed sanctuary of his fathers home, phonecalls were coming through, although this was the first one. The man at the end of the phone explained it was very important, he had been trying to phone Will for a night or two, and that this was not a cold call but one Will was expecting.

Although he had half expected a follow up call from Mr Graves, he had no expectation that he would be tracked down wherever he travelled.

“You, Mr McKenzie are becoming quite elusive. Perhaps I should explain a little about who I am, and why it is so important, for both of us, that we meet.”
Although the words seemed hostile and threatening, Mr Graves actually came across as a reasonably amiable man.
“The thing is Mr McKenzie” Danny continued “the title you have plucked out of the air to put on your novel, is actually the title of the book I’m writing myself. The title is very important to me, and I’m sure you’ll agree was, up until the recent turn of events quite unique.”
Will tried to interupt. “I didn’t mean to steal your title, Mr Graves, but the problem is….”
“The problem is Will, that it has now been blurted out nation wide, possibly even worldwide, that the particular unique title is one that you have claimed for yourself. It is going to be very difficult for either of us to work this thing out. But, that is exactly what we are going to have to try doing. So, we need to meet OK?”

Will was, quite understandably nervous of coming face to face with this man, who still came across as a slightly creepy stalker.
“OK, we’ll meet, but it has to be in a very public place.”
“That’s fine by me, perfect in fact. Will the Roxbury night club suit? It’s very popular, it’s in the middle of a town centre which is not local to either of us, but it’s not too far for either of us to travel either. Meet at nine thirty.”
That all sounded fair enough to Will. He wasn’t really scared, but would confess to being a little uneasy still.
“Oh, and one other thing Will. You have to come prepared to piss on the dance floor”
Will was once again quite stunned at this statement. Danny Graves had only spoken to him a couple of times, and on both occasions had managed to throw Will completely off track.
“I beg your pardon? You want me to” He lowered his voice to a whisper so that neither his father nor Susie would hear “Piss on the floor. In the club?” Are you mad?”

“No Will, I’m not mad, but nor am I the one trying to claim the title of Dorty Wee Shite. So I’ll see you at the Roxbury tonight. See you later”

Of all his old mates, it was still his old school friend Simon that Will kept in touch with. He had lost contact with Neil and Jay soon after starting Univeristy, but as Simon was following a similar course, albeit a lesser renowned seat of learning, they had remained in contact. It was at times like these, when life was taking a turn for the weirder than usual, that Will really needed the support of Simon. Of course on this occasion, the weirdness of it all outweighed anything that they had gone through before. He rang Simons number, and was relieved to hear his familiar voice.

“Simon, I’m so glad you’re there” Will started. “ I could really do with your help. What are you and Lucy up to?”
“Hi Will, we’re off to Lucy’s folks house tonight. What’s up?”
Will explained his current predicament, which Simon laughed about, but did say that although he couldn’t be there he would Ring Will later on during the night to either make sure he was OK, or to give him an excuse to make his excuses and move on. It wasn’t exactly what Will had wanted, but at least it was better than nothing, and gave him a little peace of mind.



So Will’s suspicion that Danny Graves was a bit weird had definitely been confirmed, yet at the same time he was quite intrigued, and would certainly be at the Roxbury.


Will had no idea how he would recognise Danny Graves, although he had no doubt in his mind that Danny would find him without too much trouble. Sure enough, a likeable looking gentleman dressed in smart chino trousers, shirt and tie wandered up to him and introduced himself. He looked quite out of place in this nightclub full of late teens and early twenty somethings, wearing their jeans and tee-shirts. He was dressed like a bouncer, but had the build of an accountant.

“Hello Will”, he said, offering his hand to shake. “I’m Danny Graves, pleased to meet you. Now, what would you like to drink?”

Will had a pint of lager, whilst Danny opted for a pint of blackcurrant and lemonade. Whatever Will had expected of Danny, this was not it. He did not fit any of the images he had built up in his mind, nor did he act in any way which would indicate the strangeness of his phonecalls. They drank their drinks and made general small talk, commenting on the way the youngsters were dressed, how they danced, and basically chatting about how things had moved on when they were younger. After all his previous worries, Danny now appeared to be a perfectly normal middle aged man. He looked a bit out of place in this club, partially due to his age, and of course partially because of the way he had dressed, but in all honesty, not unlike most other men of his age would probably dress for a night out. But then, out of the blue he said.

“Are you ready to piss on the floor then?”

Once again, Will found himself lost for words. He had taken the original request as a bit of a joke, an intellectual challenge to see if he would be prepared, but not actually go through with the act. A little bit like the long route marches and runs that the parachute regiment have to endure, when they think they have finished a really long run, only to be told that they then have to continue for another few miles, only to be told just round the corner, that it’s OK, the test is finished, and that the last order was only made to see if they were prepared to continue.


“You mean you really intend for me to piss on the dance floor? I thought you were joking” Will stammered.
“Well of course I meant it. You want to use the Dorty Wee Shite title, I think you ought to earn it, as I did, don’t you?” Danny response was calm and measured.
Will tried to counter it, by calling Danny’s bluff. “Well, OK then, but only if you are also prepared to do it. Does that sound fair?”
“Yes, of course it sounds fair, I’m surprised you didn’t suggest it earlier, and I indeed am quite prepared to piss on the floor, but this is my challenge, so you go first.”

Will resigned himself to this challenge, but thought about bending the rules slightly
“Can I do it any way I chose then?”
Danny agreed, and also agreed that Will could use a pint glass first, then pour it onto the floor. He was not surprised when Will picked up an empty glass and headed towards the gents toilets. Nor was he surprised when one of the clubs security team put his arm out, blocking the door to the toilet, before Will went in.

“I’m sorry sir” he said to Will, “I’m afraid you can’t take that glass in the toilets”
“But somebody might take it”
“Yes sir, there is a very good chance of that, especially considering the glass is empty. Now if there had been drink in it, you could have left it on the table there with the others to collect on your way out. But it is empty.”

Once again, Will was cornered. He needed to pee now, but he couldn’t waste it in the toilet, nor could he just walk off with his empty glass, as that would only make the bouncer suspicious. He was left with no other choice but to go into the toilet and wait for a minute or two, then go back to Danny. So he went in, and glanced around the room, he was not quite alone. Another man was also standing across the room, obviously waiting for somebody, and the cubicle was already occupied. Neither made any attempt to move toward either the urinals or the door, until the other man spoke to Will, “Hello there. Have you come in to do anything, or are you just here for the scenery?” The mans voice was somewhat effeminate, whether it was being put on as a stereotypical gay humour, or was indeed genuine Will could not be sure. “I can’t go when anybody else is about” He said.
“Oh, dear, you poor man you - You won’t get a chance in this club then, it’s like Piccadilly Circus in here, really it is.”

Sure enough a steady stream of men were going in and out of the toilets. The sounds of which really didn’t help Will’s bladder, and he found himself sorely tempted to just relieve himself. Admit defeat, and maybe try again later. It was a temptation he could resist no longer. Although having his new friend insisting on standing next to him and continuing to chat didn’t help.

“There, that wasn’t as hard as you thought it would be was it? I could help you make it harder if you like.”

Will was so pleased that he had managed to make yet another creepy friend. Suddenly it occurred to him that his entire life was being made a mockery of. He really had no idea why the powers that be were throwing all this at him. Just when he thought this could not get any worse, the inevitable happened. It did get worse. The cubicle door opened.
“I thought I heard your voice Nigel” said the man as he came out “Who are you talking to?”
The newcomer was a face Will remembered well, a voice that once heard could not be forgotten, a man Will had once referred to as a Bumder, in his own home. How on earth had fate let Will bump into his old mate Neils dad after all this time, and tonight of all nights.
“You took tour time Kevin” replied Wills new friend “ I don’t know this sweet young man’s name, but he’s very shy.”
Kevin looked straight at Will, and recognised him straight away. “Hello. I remember you. You’re Neils friend aren’t you? Simon wasn’t it”
“Hello Mr Sutherland, yes, I was Neils friend at school. I’m Will, not Simon though. So what is Neil up to these days.”
“Oh he still lives with me. He works with his cousin at the garage on Cottage Road would you like our number or do you still have it?”
“I might as well take it please, it’d be nice to catch up again” said Will. Laughing he added “It would be just my luck at the moment for somebody to come in and think I’m collecting phone numbers for sexual purposes.”
Somewhat offended Kevin said “But you know I’m not gay William”
“Oh I know that Mr Sutherland, you’ve always said that, but I feel fairly confident in my assumption that Nigel is” countered Will
“He might not be.”
“Might not be?” repeated Will dumfounded “I may be a little naïve, but when a man offers to make another mans cock hard whilst watching him have a wee, I’d say that is a little bit gay.”
With little more to say, Kevin handed over Neils phone number, and all three left the toilets. Will felt a little uncomfortable all leaving together, but also thought it would be rude to suggest otherwise.

He made his way back to admit his failure to Danny. But was actually quite looking forward to speaking to Neil after such a long time. At least he was confident that he could still feel superior to Neil, he may even be able to help him out on this strange challenge.

Danny gave a look of mock surprise when he was told about the bouncer taking the glass away, and agreed to show Will how to do it first, but before that they would get some more drinks. This time, Danny suggested they get a couple of girls to buy the drinks for them. Then picked a couple out who were obviously on their own, so the pair wandered over to them on the dance floor.
Danny spoke first.
“Hello, you look a bit lost , can I perhaps show you the way to a table”
“No, it’s alright grandad, you’re the one who looks a bit lost.”
“Really? You mean this isn’t the Friends of Porter Hospital Social club? - Oh dear, I wondered why I hadn’t heard anything I knew, perhaps it’s you who should be helping me then.”
The girls had quickly dropped their defensive stance, and were giggling at Danny’s strange, yet not unfriendly humour, and in fact played up to it slightly.
“Of course we can help you out grandad, what do you want?”
“Oh, thank you, I’ll have a blackcurrant and lemonade, and Will here will have a Lager, that’s very kind of you”
“Here, cheeky, shouldn’t you be buying us drinks?”
“No I don’t think so, that would only be if we intended to take you home, and let’s be honest, you’re both a bit young for us.”
The girls couldn’t help but agree with that, admitted defeat, and one of them went off to the bar, whilst the other one stayed to chat with Will and Danny. Will was impressed by the way Danny engaged the girl, Carol in conversation, and kept eye contact almost constantly.
It was only when Heather returned with the drinks that any of the others, excepting Danny of course were aware that anything untoward had occurred.
She walked up, and stepped in a puddle which splashed up over her shoe, and also splashed onto the others.
“Urgh. Why are you all standing in this drink?” she said
Danny tutted, and suggested that somebody must have spilled a drink. They must have been so lost in conversation that they hadn’t noticed, they walked off the dance floor together. The girls hadn’t noticed that there was no glass with the drink, or supposed drink on the floor, but that fact had not been lost on Will.
They thanked the girls for the drinks, and wished them all the best in their hunt for some younger boys, then moved on.
“You did that didn’t you?” Will said to Danny. It was more of a statement than a question.
“Yes, and I’ll let you into the secret of how to do it next time we meet. I think we’ll call it a night there. I don’t think you quite earned your title yet, but I’m sure you’ll show promise with a little training. Perhaps we’ll start with something a little easier next time shall we? Have you had fun tonight Will?” Danny asked.

He would hardly have called the night fun, but Will had to admit it had not been an altogether unpleasant evening. Danny was a pleasant enough chap to be around, even if his ideas were poles apart from Wills own, it had also given him the opportunity to get back in touch with another of his oldest friends, and one who may also be able to help sort out this horrible mess.

With that, they made their way out of the club, and each headed for home.